Two cuddles and a slap across the ear!

“Look mummy I did a poo, and it looks like a carrot”!

Firstly, her poo did not look like a carrot in the conventional sense. Maybe just a little in the abstract sense, as in, that it stood rigid and upright in a pointy fashion, at the bottom of her potty! It certainly did not smell like a carrot either. Lily has a fascination with the toilet, anything from demanding that you accompany her to the loo, to standing in front of you holding your hands and making grunting noises, while screwing up her face, imploring you to do a poo, even when you only want to pee! Allan has the right idea. Grab a book, sneak in and lock the door! 

We all know how pesky our little ones can be from time to time. If Lily senses trouble ahead, she will decide on the best course of action to try to get out of being told off or indeed doomed to be sent to the naughty step.

She will either A: deny it, B: admit it defiantly ( trying to call your bluff ), C: blame someone else, D: turn on the charm ( smile, laugh, cuddle or kiss ) or E: swear ( god damn )!

Needless to say, she gets told off several time throughout the day so she has plenty of practise to perfect her comeback. One particular day I had the need to chastise Lily for some misdemeanor or other. I explained that mummy was ‘the boss’, that I made the rules, and she had to do as she was told. Simple enough to understand, yes? Lily turned on her heels, slouched down her shoulders, head bowed, and from under her breath I heard her mutter, ” I make the rules”! Indeed little miss clever clogs, you may think you do. Another time after spending too long doing a particular task upstairs, I called up to ask what she was doing. She replied, “I don’t want to tell you”. I say, “Lily, tell me what you are doing please”, to which she again replied, “I don’t want to answer”. Of course at this point I have to assume something is not quite right. I went upstairs to find her on our bed ( she has a step she uses in the bathroom for the loo and standing at the sink, which she used to climb up ), sat beside the cat with a slinky, my hair straighteners and a can of hair mousse. I’m not sure where the slinky was in her thinking ( I did have visions of it squeezed over his fat head and  coiled tightly around his equally fat neck. He would not have looked out of place sat in the company of the Ndebele tribeswomen! ). The straighteners, thankfully were not plugged in, but the can of mousse was pointing nozzle down over his head, with her finger over the button pushing with all her might! If only I had left it a couple more minutes before going up. I may have just captured a kodak moment. I can imagine her thinking, “God damn, caught again”!

We had a visit from my nephew and niece last week, who were over from the US doing the rounds of their UK relatives. Lily had a brilliant time with her new captive audience. One particular day we all went to London, along with her aunty and uncle who live close by. A good time was had by all seeing the sights, and after a long day traipsing around our great capital, we decided to go and find somewhere to eat. We found a nice corner in a child friendly ( I say child friendly for a reason…. it had to have been for what was going to happen! ) pub on the Embankment. Food chosen and ordered, and Lily asks to go to the loo for a poo. No issues so far. After doing her business and coming back to our table ( a few more customers are now happily sitting around us enjoying their drinks and meals ), she declared that her bottom was itchy. I scratched her cheek for her. “No mummy, not there. Here”, she said pointing quite evidently to the place within! Cripes… now what? I secretly obliged with finger and plenty of fabric from her leggings and knickers, to try to alleviate her problem, but it did not help. Daddy had a turn, much to his dismay, all whilst trying to keep it from the other diners. We are a polite well mannered lot! Unfortunately Lily was not satisfied with the efforts so far and decided to take matters in to her own hands. Shamelessly, she walked to the middle of the carpeted area, sat down, and the best way I can describe her display is to ask you to picture this: A dog has an itchy behind. We’ve all seen it. It sits rear end down, back legs slightly raised from the floor, front legs used to propel itself forward as it scrapes it’s backside across the floor, trying desperately to soothe that inner itch! Now, I’m sure our party of six only guffawed raucously out of sheer embarrassment. Goodness knows what the other diners thought.

Allan has been at the end of Lily’s wrath a couple of times this week. One time while sitting quietly minding his own business, Lily climbs up on to his knee and asks him, “Daddy, do you want a kiss”? Nothing untoward here I admit. Then she carries on….” Do you want a cuddle, a snog, a kiss and a cuddle, two cuddles”? All of which Allan declines as he was reading his book. Her final offer was to ask, “Do you want two cuddles and a slap across the ear”? I’m happy to report he never got that, but it was enough for her to catch his full attention, and a simple kiss and a cuddle was enjoyed. Today, after Allan had helped her with her toileting request, and half way down the stairs, Lily said to him, ” One more minute daddy and I’m going to batter you”! “Why”? said Allan. “Because you are a naughty boy”! “What did I do”? He asked. To which she answered accusingly, “You hit the kitty”! Honestly, she would have social services, the RSPCA and police all knocking at the door asking questions! Allan did not hit the kitty by the way. 

Later on she was sat at the top of the stairs, shouting to me to be carried down. I told her she had legs and to come down by herself, to which she said, “Oh no! I’ll be lost forever”! In her hand she had what she thought was bum cream ( to soothe yet another itchy bottom ), instead she held up a pot of Vicks vapour rub, demanding that I put the cream up her bum! Oh I tell you, it was tempting, just for one teeny tiny moment…. 


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